Some people stand out.
Jeff is someone who stands out where ever he goes.
He’s open and affectionate in a touchyfeely kinda way and loves to carry around and share his matchbox truck.
He usually has a minder with him so when I saw him having fun with the guy next to him on the bus, I thought the guy must be his new minder (I hadn’t seen Jeff for a few months).
Jeff was holding his hand and they were playing with his truck. It was endearing to see they really enjoyed being with each other.
I was then surprised to see Jeff get off the bus by himself. The guy wasn’t his minder at all but another passenger who generously accepted and genuinely enjoyed Jeff’s ‘way’.
I watched out the window to see Jeff meet with his minder (the one I have seen him with numerous times before) and the minder was clearly not happy with him. He scolded him in the middle of the street and stormed away. Jeff stood like a cowered puppy, looking up at him, nodding seriously then when he stormed away, Jeff ran/skipped after him.

I couldn’t help but feel upset by what I had seen. Happy carefree Jeff with the stranger then humble cowered Jeff with his minder. I was teary and disconcerted for the rest of the morning.

Only a few days later, I was standing at another bus stop and Jeff came along with his truck.
He bee lined for me. He held my hand, felt the muscles in my arm and showed me his truck.
A miraculous thing happened then – I was able to talk to him, participate with him, and return his affection easily.

Why should that be a miracle?

Because my natural tendency is to recoil from overt attention, especially affectionate attention from a stranger. I was only able to respond so graciously because I had been shown how to by the beautiful generous passenger days earlier…

Since getting my new laptop, I have been able to catch up on 15 years worth of missed movies and programmes. (I don’t ‘do’ TV).
In the past, the mentors to move me to new places have been lyrics of songs.
I am now getting moved with pictures.

Magnolia: Relating to Donny Smith, the mixed up grown up quiz kid, when he says “I’ve got so much love – I just don’t know where to put it”

Six Feet Under: David and Keith are out shopping and some rednecks call them faggots. Keith strides up to their car window and challenges them – David tries to placate him, saying it doesn’t matter. Keith turns around to him and says “Do you hate yourself that much?” (that you would accept that behaviour), forcing me to ask the same of myself when I accept intolerable behaviour in the name of avoiding conflict.

The Green Mile: Being moved by the big guy selflessly ‘sucking up’ others pain and poison to heal them, ingesting it into his own body with no regard to his own suffering and being able to use that gift to smite evil but without vengeance or malice.

Whale Rider: After the derision and rejection of his Grandaughter, the Grandfather acknowledging her wisdom and strength and deeming her as their next leader. Another poignant example of Servant Leadership in action.

I’m starting to get a feel for my genre-of-choice…Human Spirit

Just when I think I'm being as honest as my conscience and heart will let me, I read Dooce.
Little Leta is so gorgeous my heart almost went into seizures just scrolling over the pictures because she's almost the age my daughter was when I left my family.

I had near fatal suicidal depression and hardly remember anything of my daughters early years. Lights on, no-one home.
I functioned as the person everyone called me but my brain/emotions were doing time in solitary confinement.

On The Night, I had the pills and glass of water beside the bed. My husband had left for night shift, the children were asleep. I had learnt a lot from the last time and had it all planned...take the pills and go to sleep. He would arrive home in the morning just as the children were waking and...whatever.
Earlier a friend came around and hard worded me "So? What are you going to do about it?".
(IT being depression) then left in disgust when I shrugged "idunno".
Luckily I have a spiritual army on the 'other side' looking after me and after she left there was a tangible parting of the cotton wool feeling clouds that was my brain and a voice said "Your children need you!"
I can still hear that voice to this day.

I went to bed, had an unpilled nights sleep and the next morning told my husband I needed to leave, for everyones sake.  He wrote in a card "I would rather have an alive best friend than a dead wife" and let me go gracefully.
When they say It must have been really hard leaving your children, my answer has always been It wasn't hard at all - If it had been hard, I know I would have been doing the wrong thing.

Thanks Heather B.
It took me a long time to realise that I took drugs and drank alcohol to bring on being emotionally moved by somethinganything - to experience passion. And in a 3 minute read of this blog, I was moved in the way only being-under-the-influence could move me in the past.

It's now 11 years since I 'left the family' and being confronted with images of children, and what I chose to forfeit, still takes my breath and chokes my heart but I have no regrets. Leaving was the most courageous and right thing I have ever done and gave me the saying that I live by 'When you do what's right for you, you're doing what's right for everyone around you'.

My children have watched me grow up and maybe that's why, even though they're teenagers now, we're all still so in love with each other...


Violet said...
Sheesh, that must've been hard. It's just not a socially acceptable thing for a mother to do is it? You were very brave.

Meliors said...
Oh baby you move me to tears with your raw honest courage. I'm so glad, so very glad you made the choice to live. And keep making the choice to live with increasing integrity.

Anonymous said...
Courageous and somewhere beyond...a strength of character to express with such openess and intensity...from all those you have touched, a precious thanks for being you...RTN