 I had written till 1am so, although I can't get enough of writing, today I decided to have a different kind of fun. I have five planets in Virgo so I should warn you that 'fun' usually means getting some sort of order somewhere. Last month's fun was cleaning my whole house from top to bottom - literally - including all the beams and high up windowsills. Earlier this week my internet service provider rang to find out how I was enjoying the United Arab Emirates because that's where I was apparently sending a lot of emails from ie: my account had been hacked, so, taking this as a warning, today's fun was changing every online password and updating my excel spreadsheet list of these logins. You'd already worked out that I was a weirdo right?! And because I'd written till 1am, the days excitement left me exhausted so I went for a nap.
As I was lying there tingling with the thrill of being alive and, more importantly, tidy, my mind turned to this weeks rent payment. Had I covered the weeks $90 shortfall between what I get for my benefit and the amount of my rent? I'd done some sewing for my wonderful landlady so I only had to find $15. And I had enough food for three days and an allocation of $50 food grant that I could get at the end of the week so the weekends food was covered too. Having worked this all out in my mind and feeling very taken care of, I started winding down but just as I was about to drift off, with a sudden intake of breath, my eyes flew open and my stomach lurched. Exactly a year ago I was still working on The Hobbit and my children and I were about to leave for their graduation presents of a trip to the States and the Electronic Daisy Carnival in Las Vegas. It was one of those trips where anything that could go wrong, did, horribly, almost comically, and what was meant to cost $4k hemorrhaged out to $7k. I'd been debt free for years and even though I had the cash in my bank, I reluctantly had to get a credit card to pay for the airfares online but I admit that it ended up being the saviour that finally got us home. Fortunately, when the doodahs hit the fan earlier in the year, the bank was generous enough to put me on a minimum payment plan of $20 a week for 6 months before the full payments would resume. The sudden rise of my heart rate was when I realised that that 6 months was almost up and that I was going to have to find $300 a month when the payments started again! That was the abrupt end to any fantasies of a nano nap so I got up to start working out what I could do. I'd already manifested every available cent from places I didn't even know existed just to get through the past 9 months and ACC had rung me yesterday to inform me they were turning down my claim so there was nothing to work out. I had zero options left. Then, just as I was absorbing this, I got a rejection email from the second publisher. I remember a time when this right here would have had me writhing on the floor in foetal position and wondering if I had enough pills to abort this life that clearly didn't want me. But back then I had suicidal depression, addictions, debt, nowhere to live, no-one to love and, worst of all, no belief in myself. I'd written a quote that's now in Little Peaces "It's disheartening to not believe in something and soul destroying when that something is you". So today, rather than focus on what I owed the bank, I couldn't help but reflect on what I owed to God, the Universe and my family and friends who love me I'm-still-not-sure-why for how far I've come since then. After what I've been through, and survived, this is a mere stub of the toe and I can't explain the feeling of surreal calm. I've cleaned up my backyard. I've taken care of business. And I finally believe in myself. I've never felt more sure about my mission and will gladly pick the gravel out of my hands and knees each night if crawling on them is what it takes to get to the people I feel so driven to help. You are not alone in this And you are not alone in this As brothers we will stand and we will hold your hand Hold your hand Timshel Mumford & Sons
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