my bags have been packed forever

"As long as you derive inner help from anything, you should keep it. If you were to give it up in a mood of self-sacrifice, or out of a stern sense of duty, you would continue to want it back and that unsatisfied want would make trouble for you. Only give up a thing when you want some other condition so much that the thing no longer has any attraction for you, or when it seems to interfere with that which is more greatly desired."

Mahatma Gandhi
Vishva (Vishna?)-Bahrati Quarterly. New Series 2. Part 2.

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I had been learning the talk, then talking it, then, as I was transitioning into my next phase, I realised that I was now going to be required to walk it.
What I felt sure about was that the next level of people I was moving toward would be much more astute and able to see the gaping holes in my energy field that were my addictions that were continuously needing to be filled. I knew it was time to let those holes close over. 
My integrity meant so much to me that I found it easy to let go of the remaining addictions in order to have the thing I wanted the most. The respect of the people that I longed to be.

I found something I wanted more and knowing that the withdrawals I was feeling were in fact the holes closing, made it so much easier.

It took my body around six months to realise the drugs weren't there to provide meaning, the depression wasn't around for internalised passion and the alcohol wasn't available to give me courage any more. It took a while but my body realised it was back to being the provider of these things again.

And I believe in it. Fuelled by the addictions, my realisations and breakthroughs felt beige the next day and I would scoff at the ludicrousness of them.

The meaning, passion and courage my body now provides me with know no limits but I have had to get accustomed to muting them - they make people uncomfortable. 

But I feel sure one day soon that a few of those who are also ready to elope with their meaning, passion and courage will burst through my door, insisting I join them...
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